Friday, July 17, 2009


And so begins, the Velvet Ditch's new advice columnist, Joe Ricker. Most of you will know Joe as the hardboiled bartender at City Grocery for several years. A local legend and dispenser of straight talk. A parent's warning -- this column isn't for those under 18. Adults only even with the creative editing.

Joe, I have a date this weekend and I want to show this girl I have good taste in booze. But I don’t want to order something that makes me seem like a wuss. What should I do? -- Bobby in Oxford.

First of all you should drink what you can handle. If you don’t know what that is then you don’t belong in the bar. What you really want is (expletive) so trying to be macho by killing scotch neat will only prevent that, in more ways than one. If you choose to drink liquor know your limit. And if the drink is a pretty color it should be in her hand, not yours. If you want fruity martinis or pink drinks wait for your footy-pajama-party-sleep-over with your buddies. Beer is always a pretty safe bet provided it doesn’t say “ultra” anywhere on the label. Order a bottled beer and don’t ask for a glass. It comes in one.

Joe, my wife wants to have sex every day. Sometimes I just want to sit down and watch ESPN. Is there something wrong with me? -- Jim from Yocona.

You’re passing up sex to watch other men do what you can’t. Your wife will eventually find other men to do what you won’t. (Expletive) your wife or hand that (expletive) over.

Joe, I recently visited a gentlemen's club and met a girl up there. I think she really liked me. Am I making too much of this? I can’t quit thinking about her. -- Bob, a senior at Ole Miss.

Unless your name is Benjamin, Grant, Jefferson, Hamilton, Lincoln, or Washington she doesn’t care. She thinks about you as much as she thinks about the wad of gum she stuck under a table before (a series of expletives). She looks forward to guys like you gutting their wallets for artificial affection. If she hasn’t at least asked you to score her some blow and get a room, she doesn’t care. Strippers are a lot like trophy wives. The more money you give them the nicer they’ll be but they’re still not going to (expletive) unless it’s a special occasion. A hooker will appreciate you more.


1 comment:

  1. Joe, I have a good friend who moved away to Portland ME to live freely as the homosexual that he hid while here in Oxford. Should I tell him that I'm happy for him but I don't like the way he always mentally undressed me or should I just let it go?